My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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