We won't sleep together?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
