i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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