I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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