So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
