I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
