You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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