Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
