he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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