meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
