Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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