So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
