Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
