Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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