3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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