I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
