i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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