just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
