Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
