I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Randomize
