I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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