On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
