Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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