He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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