You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
