Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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