Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
