Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This is the high leading the old right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
