oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize