I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
NoShamevember. You game?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
