So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
