If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
