I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
