drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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