I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
