there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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