before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
