I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
