Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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