someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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