also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
