Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
