it was like his penis was on wheels.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
