i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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