how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
