dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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