I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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