Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So much rum. So many feels.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
