we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
