Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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