Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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