my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
