she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
