Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I need to stop coming to work sober
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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