My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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