Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize