dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
