Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
