I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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