when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
