Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
