am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
