Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't deserve a penis
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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