Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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