until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
