Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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