dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
