Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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