her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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