she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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